Three weeks, three days, and 12 hours

I haven't thought of having a cigarette in days. I can't believe it - I'm free today.

BUT I have to keep it in the day. There have been a few moments where I've almost bummed a cigarette just out of habit - there was no thought of "but I'm quitting" in my head. It's incredible how powerful addiction can be. I will be free from the desire to smoke all day, and then I'll be surrounded by smokers and suddenly have this instinct to reach out and grab someone's smoke to take a drag. It's ridiculous. Anyway, I've maintained my weight, I'm in better shape than I ever have been. Literally. 

Today I'm going for a walk with my mom and dog at the park, then I'm going for a run. Then I'm going to a meeting, and then going for dinner with my family. Should be an awesome day. And free from smoking.

I don't know what else to say right now. One thing is that I feel my breath today. Every single breath goes all the way down to the bottom of my lungs, and it never hurts. I never feel short of breath anymore. It's great. 

I'm nervous that this has been too easy. hmmm... it really has been easy. The first few days were awful, but after that... nothing!

hmmm could use a smoke

Feeling a bit down. And actually, I'm feeling a little bit of "what's the point?" in quitting smoking. Sucks. I don't really know where to go from here. I mean, I don't have a major craving for a cigarette right now, but I just feel shitty. I picked up my friend from the airport yesterday, and we had a great day, and then he told me he doesn't really plan on sticking around, or at least he is sort of thinking of being gone for a long time, and that this is sort of what his life is going to be like.

I'm just bummed. Why quit smoking? Not to be melodramatic, but why do we all have this desire to live to be 100? I don't want to live that long. I'd rather go when I'm 75, before shit really hits the fan. I'm 24 right now. I don't want to do more than another 2/3 of life.

Ick. I'm not digging this person that I am right now. Well, maybe working will help. Then I'll go to the gym, and I'm sure that will help. Then a movie with my dad tonight.

I guess quitting smoking is at least getting away from being controlled by something that is killing me. And hey, I suppose that's a pretty big deal.

2 weeks. and then some.

I'm over the hump. As long as I stay on top of my program, as long as I keep the power of the universe close by (because I couldn't have done this on my own), I can go every day without a cigarette.

Today I'm going to Boston to pick up my friend that I've missed dearly since he's been away, and I'm smoke-free!! I can't wait to NOT smoke with him!

Hooray for freedom!

298 hours - almost two weeks

Happy belated holidays, everyone! Somehow, some way, I didn't smoke over Christmas, and I didn't even think about it. How can this be possible?! I have no desire to smoke at all. Yes, occasionally I'll see someone smoking and think, "well, that would be nice." but the same thing happens with booze - actually, yesterday morning I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a glass of wine. I realize that one glass would turn into two bottles pretty quick, and I would be dealing with a pretty serious hangover this morning, which would only result in more drinking. sometimes that knowledge doesn't help the craving, however, just like it doesn't help to know that eating one cookie might turn into the whole box, and then you'll have ruined your diet and have to spend an extra hour at the gym the next day. So i asked the universe for help, and I went for a run. It was the worst run I've done in a long time - it was about 3 miles, which is long for me, and it was right after a big Christmas breakfast of spinach and cheese omelette, sweet bread, fruit salad, and lots of chocolate (hey, it's Christmas, I can have chocolate for breakfast).

Anyway, I got a comment (for the first time, hooray!) from someone who quit on Sunday, and is cooking to keep him/herself busy while staying away from cigarettes. First I want to say CONGRATS, and that any step is a good step. I still don't know how long this will last for me, but all I can focus on is today. I just need to not smoke TODAY, and we'll let tomorrow happen the way it's going to. I'm sending love and encouragement your way if you're trying to smoke - if I can make it two weeks, anyone can.

Finally, after a lot of confusion, frustration, and emotion (all on my part, of course), my boyfriend has made it off the island he was on in Puerto Rico and he will be flying back to Boston on wednesday. i'm so excited to see him - and he either doesn't know that I've quit, or he hasn't said anything because he doesn't want to talk about it if i slip. which might sound unsupportive to some people, but he's quit smoking himself. it's difficult to tell people you're quitting, especially the people you really care about, because there's a pretty significant chance that you'll fail.

My advice? Tell everyone anyway. Be accountable. We can quit smoking - it's the hardest thing to quit in the world, but only the first few days really suck, and then it's OVER. And it's not impossible.

206.5 hours, or 1 week, 1 day and 14.5 hours

I can't believe I'm not smoking. It's blowing my mind that I don't think about it obsessively. And I can feel the difference already. I ran 2.5 miles the other day which would usually kill me, and I felt like I could go on forever.

I realized, too, why I'm pushing myself so hard with exercise - it feels like I'm not working hard enough because it isn't KILLING me to do cardio. I've been a smoker since I was 14, which was when I started doing daily, regimented exercise (I rowed on the crew team). So I've never actually known exercise without cigarettes. I mean, yeah, I ran around a lot when I was a kid, but I never paid attention to my breathing then. With cardio, whether it's swimming, running, rowing, using an elliptical, or whatever, you really need to focus on your breathing for endurance. So now it feels like I'm not working hard enough because I'm not wheezing after ten minutes of running - my legs actually get tired before my lungs do!

Oh, and for all those who have heard you cough up all the junk you've been smoking for the last however-many-years - it's not happening to me. Which may or may not be a good thing. I want it all out of my body, mostly because I want the addiction to nicotine to go away. As long as I keep asking my HP to take away my desire to smoke, I do pretty well, but occasionally I have to remind myself that I've come this far, and I don't want to go back now. That third day of not smoking was painful - I don't want to do it again.

Last night I was in a pretty stressful situation where I ran into an ex of mine. He was smoking while talking to me, and I was miserable because of the conversation, the company, and the fact that, more than anything else, it seemed like a cigarette would have made it all easier. But I didn't smoke, and I walked away feeling really good about it. For one thing, I didn't have to stand there with the guy and smoke a whole cigarette with him, lengthening our time together all for the sake of camaraderie in addiction. On top of that, I got to tell that asshole that I was trying to quit, which was a fantastic reminder that I'm in a much better place in life now than I ever have been.

And that's the truth. I'm in a much better place today, right in this moment, than I ever have been in my life. I hope that I can feel the truth and the power in that every once in a while, when I realize that now is all I have.

So wiggle your toes. Where are you? How do you feel? Where is the light around you coming from?

How does it feel to breathe?

156 hours

It's been a week. A week! I think, more than anything else, I'm blown away by the fact that I said I would do this, and it's happening. I swear on everything I care about, it's not me. I couldn't go five hours without smoking before (four hours, maybe). I sincerely ask for the universe to keep me away from a drink and a smoke every morning, and it fucking works. Seriously?!?! I have been a little bit cranky, but for the most part I've been pretty mellow. It's unbelievable.


Hey guys. Quitting smoking? It's easy.

And because I've been exercising and watching what I eat, I'm actually losing weight instead of gaining. But listen, I know I'm not in the clear. It's only been a week - actually, in 12 hours it will be exactly a week, so hopefully I make it. After the two week mark, I'll feel a little bit better. Every day will be a little bit better. I know that it will take a long time before I don't think about smoking anymore, especially when I see people smoking or when I smell it, but I don't obsess about it anymore! Freedom is getting closer. I hope it sticks this time... ahhh happy thoughts.

134 hours, smoke-free

I think "smoke-free" works on a lot of different levels.
For the past 6 days, I've been free from:
- the smell of cigarettes
- the taste of cigarettes
- spending $8.25 per pack on cigarettes
- standing out in the FREEZING cold, alone, just to smoke a cigarette as fast as I can
- the obsessive question of "when's my next break? who will come with me? where should i go?"

It actually hasn't been that bad! Who would have thought that quitting smoking is not the end of the world? I get on my knees every morning and ask for the desire to smoke to be removed. The difference between quitting smoking and quitting drinking, however, is that I really only ever needed to ask for the desire to drink to be removed once a day. With smoking, sometimes it feels like I need to strengthen my resolve 100 times a day. I have to ask, beg, the universe to take my obsession with cigarettes away. But hey, it works. And seriously, I can go like, two whole hours without thinking about smoking. Two or THREE even. And that isn't even counting sleeping. I'm sleeping better (sort of), by the way, and I haven't gained any (visible) weight yet - I haven't weighed myself since I haven't been home in a while.

I'm still walking/running/gym-ing every day, at least 30 minutes of heavy cardio, plus some lifting and a some calisthenics. I'm also watching what I eat.  For example, today I had fat-free plain greek yogurt (140 calories/8 oz) with a half cup of blueberries (35 calories) and a tablespoon of honey (64 calories), for a  239 calorie breakfast. Then I had a 270 calorie lunch (SmartOnes frozen meal - don't judge me, it's finals season, and I'm lazy). I've had a few carrots in between those meals, which is my main between-meal snack. For dinner I'll probably have more of my homemade low calorie tomato soup, which was great. I added some cashews to the mix when I blended all the ingredients together for some protein and creaminess without actually adding any cream. It was delicious, and hearty. I eat it with a side of spinach and a rice cake as a bread replacement. For desert I have a square of dark chocolate. mmmm antioxidants. Overall, a really low-calorie, healthy way to eat.

Let's keep in mind that I only plan on sticking to this diet until I've gone a few months (ahhh can't think that far ahead!!!!) without smoking.

Signing off, smoke free for another ten whole minutes
julie