Yesterday was close.
I was fine all day (pretty much) until I did some frantic work for someone else - trying to get my boyfriend Kevin's papers in on time while he's in Puerto Rico and my phone is dead is stressful. So, as it turns out, what they say about smoking is true - it relieves stress, so stress is a trigger. Go figure.
Anyway, I was losing my mind. My body felt really weird, like a block of clay, and my mind was playing tricks on me about my weight. I don't want to obsess about the weight-gain thing, so I'm just going to try to accept it. I realize that a lot of my fears about weight gain come from the fact that when I was drinking I was 30lbs heavier than I am now, and I worked really hard to lose that weight. I'm at 128 lbs right now, which is perfectly healthy for me. A friend told me I would gain 5 lbs, bringing me up to 133. I think I can handle that.
So last night. I was stressed out, desperate for a smoke, but determined not to buy any and hey, the universe was looking out for me, so I didn't run into anyone smoking. I think that if I had seen a friend with a smoke or if I had a pack lying around I would have caved. But I didn't. I met up with my dad and we had some dinner - I totally over-indulged because I was fucking crazy angry at the world. But my dad quit smoking about 20 years ago, and he was telling me how awful it was, but that the third day is the absolute worst and it doesn't get any worse so I just had to hang on. I felt so much better after eating, and after describing my relationship with Kevin to my dad -which I'll talk about to anyone who will listen because I'm so amazed how well it's going. At the end of dinner, my dad told me not to smoke no matter what, and reminded me that I just had to make it to my pillow at the end of the night.
Then I met up with some friends for coffee who (miraculously) weren't smoking for some reason, so there was no temptation, even though I still felt a little nuts. Then I went home and slept.
Today I feel great. I can't believe I didn't smoke, but I hope my dad was right about the 3rd day. I don't know if I can take much more than the temptation I had yesterday. I begged the Spirit of the Universe to take away my obsession, and it worked for a little while, but I need to work a thorough 3rd step in this:
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
I've made the decision. God (or whatever you want to call it, I say "God" because it's easier, but for me its more like energy) can have this - I don't want to fight it anymore. Sometimes when I'm giving it all up to God I feel like it's a pretty crummy present. Like, "Here you go, Universe. I've messed this up pretty bad, and only now am I deciding to give it back to you. Sorry about that, but you can handle this better than I can. Please hold onto it for me."
Just hold on to smoking for me, just for the next ten minutes.
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